Robert Ingalls & Getting Over The Girl

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Getting Over The Girl

Getting Over The Girl is a brand new podcast hosted by Robert Ingalls.  He is an experienced Podcaster and he has decided to start this new show, as he had wanted to long ago.  His new show will offer great benefit to men who experience hard break ups.  Rather than self medicate negatively after a break up, Robert suggests doing the opposite – transform.  This podcast will be a great resource for men with difficulty of getting over the girl.

BIO:  Robert Ingalls is a podcaster, lecturer, writer, recovering attorney, and men’s relationship coach.

Robert’s coaching practice supports men dealing with the fallout of a breakup and helps them heal their minds, transform their bodies, and rebuild their lives. His podcast “Getting Over the Girl” is launching in December, and you can join his private Facebook group now at http://www.BreakupBrotherhood.com

You can connect with Robert at robertingalls.com or on social media @robertbingalls


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ALEXANDER LAURIN: You are an experienced podcaster but you're launching a brand new show next month in December, tell us all about it?
 
ROBERT INGALLS: I would love to, thank you. So, Getting Over the Girl is a men's personal development podcast with a niche of recovering from a break up because I've been working in men's personal development for years and it was mostly a hobby for me but I found so much, so much pleasure in it and personal fulfillment in working with men, helping them achieve their goals. Helping them kind of get from where they are to a place that they wanted to be that they really didn't understand that it was possible to get there and as I work with these guys, a recurring theme kept popping up of breakups. When someone is going through a break up, they are, they're just in a unique position to make such radical positive change in their life, it's a moment where we have so much motivation to, to launch ourselves in a new direction and we tend not to be constrained the way we feel like when we're in a relationship, when we're with someone who knows us and they, we had this hard time becoming someone new which I think it's very important in your life to have these moments, where you're always consistently growing and changing and it can be very hard to do that when we're in a relationship especially when we're in a relationship that it doesn't really speak to who we are, that isn't the right person who wants to help us grow and change. So when I was starting a podcast around men's personal development, it was, it really popped up as the obvious choice.

ALEXANDER LAURIN: Awesome, when you talk about that and a man going through a broken relationship, a finished relationship because I'm a man, I experienced that, it's rough and you talked, and you mentioned about radical, positive change. Does that come like because you know once that when you lose something there's a period of mourning, mourning for what's lost? Does that positive change come like during morning or does it come after morning?

ROBERT INGALLS: Well everyone is a little different, that's an excellent question because some people just are not ready when they first and most of us need at least a week or two to wallow. I think it's important part of the process just to you can't get around it, you can't drink it away, you can't go out on a hook up with girls and hope it will go away, it's just you will you know those things are temporary numbing agents, is basically, what I call them but they're never going to make the pain go away, when you're alone in your room it's still there… So you have to get through that initial just grieving and I tell people embrace it, grieve it and if it's really bad, one of the things I always say to is, I am not a counselor, I'm not a therapist. I am here to help you make radical, positive change but if you are in a position where things are getting dark, I absolutely encourage you to talk to a survivor professional as well.

ALEXANDER LAURIN: This program, getting over the Girl Podcast will be starting next month. Will it? What's the format going to be? Are you going to be sharing tips on staying away from those numbing agents or like tips on letting go, tell me more?

ROBERT INGALLS: Sure absolutely. Well I always try to tell people be careful with the numbing agents, some people use food, when I, in my last breakup, I definitely used food in the beginning, it's just a comforting thing like when I can sit down with a bowl of fried chicken you know all my worries disappear for around twenty minutes but then every calorie that goes in has to come back out eventuality. So that was a really tough one for me and I encourage people just to be careful with the numbing agents. I think it would be crazy to say abstain completely because when you're in that kind of pain sometimes you just need to take the edge off and I get that. However, you choose to do that, hopefully it's not too destructive but when as you move forward once you get a little bit, once that pain kind of start subside a little bit and you can actually function again because some people really need at least a few days to a couple of weeks to downtime but when you're ready that's when we start making a plan. That's when we start implementing habits and routines that are going to get you closer to your goal and I actually take a step back. One of the first things we do is we talk about who you are? What your real aspirations are? What are the things that you've always wanted that maybe you've never told anyone, maybe you've never actually allowed yourself to bring it to the front of your mind because so many people have, they have these ideas in the back of their head, these big audacious goals that is what I want to talk about? I want to talk about the things that if you could do anything what would it be? The things that you don't tell your friends because you're worried that they will laugh, those are the things that I want to know about because that gives me an idea about what's important to you and then we develop a plan to start doing the small things every day because it's not the big thing, it's not the one grand thing you did that one day, that made you achieve your goal, it's the little things that you decided you were going to do every single day. So we create those plans, those habits, those routines that help us get a little bit closer, so when we wake up in three months, six months, twelve months however long it really takes that fog to clear and for us to be ready to go back out and make ourselves emotionally vulnerable to another partner again, whenever we get to that point we're going to look around and we're going to say 'holy shit', I am a newer and better person and that is what getting over the girls about.

ALEXANDER LAURIN: Excellent and it sounds like it's funny like when you when you're dealing with something like this it's like there's opportunities here and in your kind of like an exploiting the opportunity within the person to grow.

ROBERT INGALLS: Oh absolutely, they're having an intense pain point and they have so much and the reason, I saw it in myself, every time that I have made say at least two out of the three real radical positive changes I made in my life, were right after a bad breakup and I looked inward and as like there is so much potential there and so many people just use the numbing agents, they just drink, they just go out and have sex, they sit in their house and eat pizza and play video games while all of these things are very normal and sometimes I would say very important, they're not the only thing and if that's all we use, we waste so much potential in those months because instead of moving forward, we're staying where we are more numbing. So when the cloud does clear, we don't have anything to show for it.

ALEXANDER LAURIN: Hey, let me ask you since we're talking about this now people are we go through a break up and then we go for the numbing agents and it's like comfort, we perceive these agents as being comforting, so we consume them but ultimately they're terrible for us but we see them as comfort. What would you suggest Robert? Is there like one thing or two things that you would suggest rather than go toward overdoing it on beer or whatever? What would be the opposite?

ROBERT INGALLS: Absolutely, that's a really good question, one of the first things that people looking to do just one thing I tell them 'exercise' as Tony Robbins says motion leads to emotion and it is so true. So many people do not understand the power of exercise, we've always heard it like if you work out you're going to feel good and I'm not even saying you have to go to the gym and lift weights just find some kind of routine that gets your heart pumping three, four, times a week and you're going to see such a change in your outlook on life.

So if you're going to do one thing exercise needs to be especially after a break up it's going to bring your spirits up and it's going to get you in better physical shape because let's be kind of brutally honest here, when we are looking to get back out there it's nice to look good naked.

ALEXANDER LAURIN: Yes. Rather than letting yourself go. Anyways. Okay, I lost my question. What inspired this Robert? I think you touched on a little bit but did you like go through a break up yourself and then you're like okay let's, I'm a podcaster, this is perfect, I've got to do this. How did this happen?

ROBERT INGALLS: So it was a long process like most things people usually kind of see you from outside and they assume that you just always had these plans and that was very much not the case for me. I went through a breakup. I almost got married, we've been dating almost five years and we had a date, we put down a deposit and we but it just, it really wasn't to be and we both knew it but we were really good friends. We really cared about each other and so I was in law school, we dated most, we dated through law school and then right at, we broke up about a month after I took the bar or after I got my bar result, after I passed the bar exam and it was a pretty devastating moment for me like I knew it wasn't the right relationship but that doesn't take away, it doesn't make the pain any better in the moment and so after wallowing in eating too much fried chicken for a couple weeks, I decided to grasp that motivation because I'd been through it before and I knew what it looked like. I wasted some of it the first time but I knew what it looked like and I knew it was coming. So when it came, I seized it and I got in better shape, I started working on my social skills because that was something that I hadn't always had there weren't natural to me and it was one of the things that was important. So I sat down and I made a list of the top five things that I wanted out of my life that I wasn't getting and I ruthlessly attacked them. I read books, I talked to people, pulled in mentors, got in shape, I ate better and so when I was able to come out of that on the other side, I was in, I was just a completely different person if you were to look at the side by side within five months of each other it is a different man and it was so just liberating to have been able to do that and one of the things I focused on with social skills was dating techniques as well because I was in a big city, most of my dating had been done in college and not to be crass or anything but in college dating is a lot like shooting fish in a barrel, there are people everywhere and it's just, you just kind of show up and you meet someone like, 'oh you're cool, let's date' and when you're in a big city and you're in a professional world it's a little different in that so like everything in life I decide I'm going to study. So I study dating skills and was able to get much better at that and that and I started making friends that way as well using those same skills to make friends and I ended up meeting my wife within four or five months of the break up because but, but the thing that was empowering to me is had she met that person four, five months earlier we would not be like it would not have turned out that way because I was not the kind of man that a woman like that marries.

ALEXANDER LAURIN: Would you say that she's kind of like an anchor for you also? It was like the new you and then you can anchor to her sort of thing?

ROBERT INGALLS: Oh a million percent like I've been the universe has conspired to bring her into my life like I know that, I can see it everywhere and so many things had to happen just right for this woman to come into my life and so she came into my life and she gave me license to be who I want to be instead of having to put on this mask and be just different person who I think I needed to be, she gave me license to be the guy I wanted to be and ultimately that led to me not being a lawyer. After six years of being a lawyer, I decided that's not what I wanted and she was okay, she supported that decision because she knew it didn't make me happy and I feel like I missed your question on podcasting. So I kind of loop around and come to it here. Right after we got married, she, we've been talking about having children but it was more of a, if it happens, it happens but right after we got married she was like ‘I'm kind of ready for it to happen' and I was like 'oh man'. It was real, so I kind of took stock in that moment and I said 'oh wow', I don't like what I'm doing and I don't want to do it for the next forty years, I'm not the kind of person I want to be right now and that is when I that's where podcasting came into my life is I started picking up books because I was like I got to find something, like I'm so lost right now like the thing I've been trying to do my whole life, is not the thing I want to do anymore and that's a scary place to be but thankfully I did have her as an anchor beside me because it is a scary moment but things moved pretty quickly, I picked up a couple of books and then one of the books said 'hey listen to our podcast', I'd never listened to a podcast before and this is like September of two thousand and fifteen (2015) and so I went and listened to their podcast. Well their podcast was driving a product, I didn't really care for it that much, I'm sure it's a good podcast but I said, 'well I'm going to look for a new podcast' and I searched for something similar and this podcast awesome office came up and so alright cool I hit play, the very first guest, is this guy named ‘Tom Bilyeu’, he does a show called 'Impact Theory' which will change your life, if you listen to it, anybody listening to this. And I listened to that and he did two episodes and I think it was probably around an hour long total and after that hour I was like I don't know who this man is but I'm drinking his [inaudible] [14:03] late like this and so I dived into his show and his and I just had this idea like I can do anything I want and I knew I had a message just that I wanted to spread and it was so clear in that moment that podcasting was the way that I was going to spread it. So within a month I had researched, purchased the equipment and sat down and started just playing around, testing, recording and long story short here we are.

ALEXANDER LAURIN: Awesome, awesome. Getting over the Girls so premieres next month. Is it going to be a weekly podcast?

ROBERT INGALLS: It will be a weekly podcast because you know we're still in the planning phase I'm not sure if I'll be doing many episodes or things like that but at least once a week, we'll, I'll be having a show and we'll go through different issues that affect breakup and then different personal development issues that help us move through those things and then it'll be, we'll have some interviews but I, the only interviews I'm going to do are going to be very impactful guests like I want my listeners to know, that if there's a guest coming on my show, it's because it's going to be so much value that they're going to bring.

ALEXANDER LAURIN: I wanted to ask. How do you want the listener to feel after they've listened to these episodes?

ROBERT INGALLS: I want them to feel hopeful because that is the problem like I have so much respect and I'm going to spend so much time with every episode because I know what they're feeling when they show up. Most people are going to show up to my show because they're in pain and I don't want to make light of that, I don't want I want to make sure that they know that I know where they are and that I'm not just phone it in, that I'm not just putting an episode out because I promised I'd put one out every week so many get on and ramble about something every week 'no'. I take it very seriously that they've decided to spend some of their time with me. So I want them to show up, I want them to learn something in each episode that they can then immediately put into action in their life to put start moving them in a better direction so I want them at the end of every episode to feel hopeful, to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel because there is. We've all been through break ups and that's why this is such a fun idea for a show for me because this applies to almost every single man on the planet.

ALEXANDER LAURIN: Robert. Do you have any advice for someone in a possibly a similar situation to your past where you're going through a life transition and podcasting was on your mind? You have any advice for that person?

ROBERT INGALLS: Kind of or someone in a similar situation? I would, it seems really, really generic but Nike really hits, hits the nail on the head, it means so much more than those words, 'just do it' it's scary, it's terrifying and you don't know, if you have no idea, if the thing that you're interested in is going to have value and honestly maybe it won't have value, maybe that first idea that you have is terrible because I'll tell you, when I decided to start a podcast my very first idea, that I was going to start my podcast around, I never started that because it turned out to be something that I didn't ultimately want to do. I might spend several months putting it together and planning it but then I pivoted to something else and then I pivoted to something else and that is the important part because I would never be sitting here starting the getting 'over the girl podcast' had I not sat down one day and tried to start a different podcast. So don't worry about not succeeding at your first idea, that's fine, don't worry about what your friends are going to say, 'oh I can't believe you're quitting your job as a banker or whatever' they are not the ones who have to live inside your head for the next forty years. So do something that makes you happy and start today because your future self is going to look back at you and be like 'hell yes'.

ALEXANDER LAURIN: Absolutely. Would you have done anything differently in those days what Robert when you were like when you were, you had the idea of a podcast and then you started to implement some of those ideas and then you changed it into something else and did something else? Is there anything that you would have done differently?

ROBERT INGALLS: I probably wouldn't have hesitated as much because ultimately I knew in the back of my mind, I knew that I wanted to be a men's personal development coach. I've known for a long time but I didn't give myself license to say that to the world. When I launched my very first podcast the future self-podcast which is still running, I love that show, it's my baby but when I launched that show, I actually launched it as part of my law firm I planned on talking about a state planning tips and things like that because I wasn't ready to give myself license to just do a personal development podcast is an entrepreneur or personal development podcast because, in the back of my head, I'm like, who are you talk about these things? I've been a lawyer, so I want to talk about lawyer things but eventually, I actually pivoted that show completely away from law. So that's the way I would have hesitated as much I would have been much more aggressive about what I wanted to do.

ALEXANDER LAURIN: And it's pretty common isn't it Robert? Where we don't give ourselves permission to do these things and I keep reading this theme over and over and over is that if you want to become something then you just do it and be it and then over time you'll become the expert, right?

ROBERT INGALLS: Absolutely, I couldn't agree more there's this phrase has been thrown about a lot and it's almost got a negative connotation 'fake it till you make it' but at the same time, at the same time, it's semantics to me because all that means to me is put yourself out there, make yourself vulnerable to, to failure because that's the only way, if you're in a comfortable position, that's because you're not trying to exceed your abilities. Exceeding your abilities is uncomfortable that is where growth happens, so that would be my advice is you just have to move, you have to get out there, you have to get out of that comfort zone, you have to essentially ‘fake it, till you make it’, you've got to put yourself out.

About the Author Alexander Laurin

Alexander Laurin is the Podcaster’s Coach, and the Author of the upcoming “Book of Podcasting”, due January 2018. He hosts the meta-podcast “The Podcaster’s Life”. He focuses his Podcast and Coaching practice on the lives of fellow Podcasters. He is the world’s first authentic Podcaster’s Coach, a Certified Podcaster’s & Professional Life Coach with a membership to the International Coaches Federation. Alexander is a proponent of the effectiveness of podcasting as a tool for business & career growth, happiness, meaning, and fulfillment.

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